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Sophia Paskell 11/23/21 Sophia Paskell 11/23/21

Breathing in Poet

Kimberley is a local mama and photographer who has been editing my birth photos for the past 3 years. She has had the opportunity to see many home births through my lens, and when she fell pregnant with her 4th baby, home birth was on the cards. It was such an honour to be a part of her pregnancy as her birth doula and birth photographer. Here is Kims birth story in her own words.

Expectations and comparisons can make for a lot of mental noise. . .

Fourth baby, surely I'll go into labour before my due date, I mean I've had a baby at 37 weeks before… I put all my eggs in one basket ignoring the fact that I'd also gone to 42 weeks with Evie and had Koda on his due date...

I've always believed the days before you give birth are also a labour period of the mother, you ride some huge waves of emotion and all your fears and pains arise. I started questioning my trust and own inner knowing, losing control of the mind, such a powerless yet powerful place to be. My body was in a lot of pain, particularly at night, and by the end of my pregnancy I couldn't roll over in bed or sit up without several attempts.

At 40 weeks and 4 days, I was a huge contradiction of emotion, I wanted to wait for it all to happen and trust my body could and would go in to spontaneous labour. . . But it never had before. My waters have always broken and no labour commences. I felt like I was just waiting to be let down again and my home birth dream was slipping away. ..

At my midwife appointment that day, my midwife noted it felt like the baby didn't have much/if any waters and asked if there was a chance they had broken which triggered all of my concerns with my history. I went for a scan and a check up at the hospital. My waters were still in tact, but I did have a very very small amount of fluid which revved up every fear. Was this going to cause a problem?

The next day, the sun still rose even tho I was so low, so down and allowing myself to feel all the anxiety. I rang my doula/photographer Sophia and she held space for me to just unravel. To go back and forth and speak my confusions out loud allowed me to release.

I concluded I would contact my midwife for a stretch and sweep and got booked in for five thirty that evening, I moped around the house all afternoon, lots of tears flowing, and also moments of stillness to connect with my baby who I just really felt needed to come now...

I set off to my midwife appointment alone, Tremough asked if I was sure I wanted to go because I seemed exhausted and what if it works? Do you really want to go in to labour now? Without hesitancy, I WANT TO GO IN TO LABOUR! My mind was made up, I was having my baby!

'You're already 5/6cms, let's get things going and have a baby!” my midwife said! Words to my ears! My mood instantly flipped! I was elated and full of energy and excitement I arrived home at 6ish and sent Tremough off to work for a couple hours. My sister cooking dinner ,but I wasn’t hungry.

Tucking my kids in to bed, I was getting decent pains but assumed it was just from the sweep as that can happen. I didn't want Sophia to miss the birth but I didn't want to be the boy who cried wolf. She arrived at 7 as I began to go inward, to be with my self. My sister cooked enchiladas and Sophia lit candles.

At 8pm, I turned to Sophia and said, “do you think I'm in labour?” She smiled said, “you'll have a baby tonight'“

The contractions built, they were still bearable but I wasn't getting much of a break and could not get comfortable, I wanted to ge in the pool asap! We opted for the bath as we felt time may not be on our side with blowing up and filling the pool. I called Tremough and he couldn't believe I hadn't called him earlier.

I lay down in the bath and it was just heaven, magic, bliss! The feeling and peace I have craved every single birth before where I was bed bound and out of control. A break, to Breathe, to laugh, to chat and smile, so incredible to be in the water. Slowing my contractions allowing for presence, I actually was thinking about Poet with every contraction, feeling her descend in my body. I wasn't just wanting any way out of here, I was in control.

Tremough arrived home at 8.30 and sat beside the bath. Candles flickering, music playing... I had a really challenging surge and could feel that Poet was making progress on her journey- things were changing.

Sophia reminded me this was MY birth and I can make all of the decisions. Her words helped me to feel safe and secure within myself and within my experience. Her words really set a tone.

Sophia also suggested Tremough hop in the bath behind me which was so nice to lean back and sink in to him between contractions, Tremough said he could see and feel the difference this time round, he could tell I had full control and was really in the zone. I started to transition, the surges felt far less painful yet my mind was in the space of 'okay I'm ready now, I want this to be done now' a really strange sensation.

I remember looking and feeling so stripped back and vulnerable, looking to Sophia saying, I want her to come now - on repeat. My sister was here also but we don't talk we just know and being there is enough with us. I knew Poet was close and I know my desperate pleas to Soph were really me asking for confirmation of my own knowing- shes coming!.

The midwife offered to pop my waters. I thought about it and went for it, once she had done that I instantly felt ready to push. I felt for her head and she was right there, I was so ready for this part, to just DO THIS! I really enjoy the pushing stage. I find relieving and a rewarding, powerful, satisfying pain. As soon as I knew her head was there, I cradled her head with my hands, and delivered her myself- just how I had dreamt!

She was born at 9.50pm.

I couldn't believe it, intense joy, she was here and I did it! I F-ing did it, at HOME, birthed a 9 pound baby in my bath. She was like all my babies wrapped in one, covered in vernix and that warm sticky new baby on my chest feeling felt better than ever before.

The children arrived just minutes after she was born, my sister woke them up and Koda was ECSTATIC! The girls didn't cope as well being woken up and went straight back to bed. My sister cut the cord and took Poet snuggled up from the bath to the fire place whilst I got out of the bath. I put her straight on my boob and she did not want to leave, nor did Koda want to leave my side. My sister made me some honey crumpets and a herbal tea. Tremough and I both completely amazed and in near disbelief what just happened, she's here and it's done and it was AMAZING!

Homebirth didn't feel scary and I didn't feel 'brave' like so many called me. I felt safer, more connected, more respected and more joyful than ever. Both Tremough and I are now big-time Home Birth advocates. Birth isn't a medical event, until it is

Sophia Paskell 2/17/20 Sophia Paskell 2/17/20

The Long Road to Rumi

Steph contacted me early on in her pregnancy, openly sharing her difficult journey of IVF. Steph and Sam spent 5 years trying for a baby.

It was of course a wonderful and welcomed surprise when they fell pregnant naturally! I am aware that the heartache of infertility can be an extremely emotional and difficult road to navigate, and even when a pregnancy arises, fear often arises too. After our first conversation, I carved a space for her in my heart and kept her in my thoughts and prayers.

The pregnancy progressed beautifully. Steph attended some of my meditation classes at The Peaceful Pregnancy Circle, she recalls:

“I loved the connection with baby! It had taken some time to believe she was coming! So tuning into her during the meditations was very enjoyable “

I was continuously impressed by the way Steph graciously accepted each moment. She honoured all of the waves of emotion and change, staying present and taking time out for reflection when needed. We talked about the birth, practiced breathing, made some plans, opened to all of the possibilities that birth may bring. Steph desired a natural birth and for baby to be born in the water.

One morning I got a text saying “I think today is the day!” . That space in my heart that I had been gently holding for her fluttered. Yesssss we made it here! I honoured that moment with gratefulness and reverence. I packed my bags and off I went.

Steph was resting in bed and breathing beautifully through her surges when I arrived. I gave her a deeply relaxing massage with sweet almond oil and clary sage. I suggested a sleep and to call me when things changed.

An hour later I arrived back at the house ,I could see labour was strong. Steph was leaning over a couch, vocalising beautifully. “Harnessing the breath work during the birth became pivotal. I found it soothing and it was a really nice way to express what I was experiencing. I am sure it helped open everything up- I had read about that in the Ina May Gaskin book- allowing space and not holding allows baby to come.”

We began the work- Steph, her husband Sam and I. The massaging, the encouraging. The loving touch, the breathing. The drinks and the vomit bucket…”Captain” the dog hung out with us too, protectively watching. Labour built and built and the sun started to set. It was time to head to the Birthing Centre. It was about 6pm- which was such great timing traffic wise- these details become important when transferring a birthing woman!

Labour was stronger again when we arrived, and I filled the pool immediately. When Steph entered the bath she excitedly said “ITS SOOO MUCH BETTER IN HERE!”.

“With Sam and Sophias support, being able to stay in the moment from surge to surge and as much as I wanted to know how long it was going to take, just realising that it was completely out of my control- full surrender- which was amazing”.

At some stage, Steph said “I need to push!”. What wonderful words to hear! “Go with your body”, I encouraged. Steph reflects on this time: “The crazy thing is that time just goes. Your having these surges and they feel relentless, and you feel exhausted. Needing to be on all fours in the pool became very apparent and when I was bearing down it felt very instinctive. Also, I considered that doing this in a bed would just not be my jam! I just felt so grateful to be in the pool and able to move my body and make space”.

All of a sudden, Steph looked up at me and said “Sophia! I am going to push the head out in the next contraction!”. I was surprised by these words and thought it was rather ambitious. “You are doing beautifully Steph, keep going with your body”, I said. After the next contraction, Steph said “What is that feeling?”. The midwife suggested she have a feel. She reached down and said “Yes! The heads out!”.

At this point, she leaned back in the bath and like a Goddess, birthed her baby, reaching down to receive her! It was a mesmerising thing to witness!

I sat with the midwife and we smiled and cried and hugged each other watching the scene- two new parents falling in love! It’s a deliciously sweet sight to be seen!

I visited Steph a few days after birth. She was RADIANT! Eyes glassy, a beaming smile, the oxytocin rush still working its magic!

“I have literally never felt so empowered as a woman. Thats the crazy thing, I walked down the street the next day and wondered why people were not bowing at my feet! I gave birth! If I can do that, I can do anything!”.

To watch a woman unfold the way Steph did is simply divine! Gracefully walking the path of pain, and to then flourish with such gratitude undeniably brings a greater depth to joy! I am so honoured to witness these things.

“We are born of love. Love is our Mother” -Rumi

Sophia Paskell 1/6/20 Sophia Paskell 1/6/20

Katies Twin Birth

Photography: Sophia Paskell @Mothers Circle

A year on, I sit down with Katie to reflect on the birth of her twin boys.

I sit in her lounge while she flits around continuing the daily tasks of caring for two one year olds . Her capability is incredible to watch.

When they wake from their morning nap it is all go. She’s changing nappies, preparing and feeding them lunch, cleaning the highchairs and finding things for the boys to do to keep them entertained. All the while her face lit up with love and joy. She seems to have this all down to a tee. She laughs when I ask her if she remembers when she fell pregnant:

“Yes! I was cutting up the dog food and I automatically went to put a piece in my mouth! It was such a strange thing, I instantly thought I must be pregnant! And sure enough I was. The minute I peed on the stick I knew it would be twins.”

I imagine the mental adjustment that must take place when you are told you are having more than one baby in one go! But Katie remembers only feeling excitement… "well, until the morning sickness took over. “I had waited so long to become a mother, so I was very excited. The pregnancy symptoms were so strong- heartburn and constant vomiting”. Katie was a twin herself, her sibling passed away in the womb. Katie recalls the fear she experienced of losing one of the boys. “I had a constant worry that maybe only one would make it”.

Katie desired a natural birth, and having two babies on board did not change this. At 20 weeks she was referred to the hospital- one of many consultations with an Obstetrician. “They said we do this and that for twins, you will need to be induced early, you will need an epidural etc etc. It was the same song every visit”. Katie was not comfortable with the strong medical approach and did some research.

“I did not want my rite of passage to motherhood anaesthetised”

Katie felt strongly to be a conscious participant at this incredibly special time. “I wanted to be able to feel my body so I can be instinctive and know what my body needs to do”. She declined the epidural and decided to wait until her babies showed signs of being ready to come. “I found the pressure from the system was strong and that they were not used to anyone going against the grain. It was constantly mentioned to me. Every possible risk was repeatedly recited to me”. She recalled about how having a doula helped keep her in a relaxed and calm space, “I needed a soft space to balance out all of the fear mongering and stress that the system was causing”.

Katie felt confident to allow her babies to come when they wanted it as long as she and them were healthy and well. She declined the routine induction.

At nearly 38 weeks, Katies waters began to leak! She headed to the hospital for some monitoring. “Once I arrived I was again under the pressure of induction and antibiotics and the managed birth that I did not want. I didn’t want to feel rushed. I wanted to go home for a good nights sleep and allow my body every chance to do its thing. A negotiating process began, I told them I would come back in the morning and we could discuss options then”. It was important for me to allow my body the best chance to go into labour naturally. It was not what the hospital preferred, but I knew a good nights sleep in my own bed would be the best for me”.

The next morning Katie went back up to the hospital where she was admitted. Her babies were well and she felt ready after a good nights sleep. Contractions had started but were mild. After discussions with the team, Katie agreed to 1g of prostaglandin gel applied to the cervix. In the evening I came up to the hospital to give Katie a relaxing massage. “To have you there to calm my mind and bring me back to my centre was incredibly relaxing. The hospital environment can easily increase stress, its such a busy place. Labour began in the night and I was alone. I really felt like I needed that time to be with myself and process becoming a mother, I went deep within. . . and by the morning I was 5cm!”

Things started to get busy once Katie was in good labour. “There was a lot of pressure to keep the OB’s happy with a lot of monitoring. So I was linked up to all sorts of machines and tied down to the bed. I began to feel like a prisoner in my own body. And of course, I began to lose my contractions. I wanted a break from all of the monitoring and asked to use the shower, but even this needed to be “negotiated” with the OB’s. It was very frustrating and added to my stress. I felt it was very hard to relax”.

“Once you arrived and turned down the lights and gave me another relaxing massage, I felt I regained some strength”.

When I arrived I got to work creating more calm. We worked out ways of being mobile even with all the monitors attached. Katie began to labour beautifully, leaning over a Swiss ball and gently rocking through each surge. She responded well to massage and tender touch and her partner supported her beautifully as I reheated heat packs to apply to her lower back. Katie also found kneeling on the bed (supported by pillows and her partner) a great position to labour in.

In the afternoon Katie needed to pee and found the toilet a great place to labour. A private space, upright position and a break from all of the monitoring. This is where I saw Katie’s labour really progress, and after a while I began to hear that familiar pushy tone.

“I came out of the toilet, hopped on the bed so they could reattach all of the monitors and I pushed my boys out”! she recalls with a smile on her face. “Screwing my face up really helped with the pushing part, so I put a pillow over my face. I let all negative thoughts just float away and Blake was born at 6.08pm. I cant even describe how it felt to hold him, it was absolutely incredible!”

There was still another baby to be birthed. Tim held little Blake skin to skin as Katie got back on the job. “I felt so calm watching Tim hold our son while I pushed the next one out”. Both babies presented head first. There was some concern that number two may need some extra help, but as soon as the Obstetrician applied the ventouse cup to his head, he was born without any need for it. Baby Slade was born at 6.24pm 16 minutes after his brother.

Katie is an admirably determined woman. Her breastfeeding journey was full of challenges but her remarkable commitment to feeding her boys means she is still feeding them today! “I researched so much in to the birth and I thought breastfeeding would be a piece of piss.”

I asked Katie what she would like to say to anyone expecting two babies at once. “Life with twins is amazing! It is constant. Celebrate their differences, they are so individual, at different stages and into different things. Take your time to do your research into your birth. Its your body, you have intuition, educate yourself. You do have a say and you do not have to go along with any of the routine procedures at the hospital. Its all your choice. Consider support on the other side of birth, feeding two is tough!… oh and don’t lose your sense of humour!!”

Katie is thrilled to announce she is expecting another baby… and yes they have double checked, its only one this time!